my rollercoaster.

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I sat and talked with my mom for a while earlier this month about some things I’ve just been roller-coasting through over the last year. What an amazing year it’s been, so full of blessings. Big things have happened to my family – things that feel big to us. We experienced the birth of our second child, who has turned out to be an incredible little boy with a spirit of gold. We have been through obstacles and surpassed most of them, mostly dealing with Silas’s growth and progress. We’ve experienced the torture of almost losing Carson, and the joy and grace of a second chance. We bought our first home and were finally able to unpack most of the boxes we’ve been living out of for the last year. Our children seem to grow stronger, more independent, more loving and intelligent every single day; the blessings we’ve been given are huge, beyond imaginable.

But somehow, through all the good placed in our lives, like glue between my fingers, I have held on so diligently to the rough and heavy weight of the world.

Up and down. Up and down. I’ve been on board such a dizzy, spirit draining ride. I feel stuck.

Sometimes I feel like I know the road God wants me to take, I begin running, I slow down from being so tired and drained that the only thing I can hear past my anxious beating heart are the lies of the world. The lies that I’m worthless, defeated, unable and weak. I drain myself thinking so hard about what I’m doing wrong, what I should be doing, how to make it happen, that I forget to slow down before it’s too late to catch my breath to pray – to listen to where God wants me.

I have been so quick to assume that where I am at is not where I am supposed to be.

As I’ve been praying lately, Gods promise of peace and rest within my soul have revived me. I feel more confident as I pray that God is in control, and that it’s time for me to let go.

I’ve been reading, writing, praying and letting my thoughts be still. My thoughts are what get me in to trouble.

Constantly I will think about the bad, the negative, the possibilities and trust my impulses. I will hurry in to things and trust my own feelings rather than wait in patience.

My blogs might not always be the most uplifting, the most spiritual, the most fulfilling for people who want a happy ending, but they are my story.

I have problems every single day of my life. I may talk too often about the fact that I am struggling. I may be weak – but I’m not afraid to show it. The fact that I’m weak just means that God has so much work to do within me, and I’m amazed that no matter what place I’m at in my life, no matter how ashamed I should feel because of all I’m not and all I should be, God accepts me. He loves me. I am someone He can work with.

I need God every day of my life. I’m not afraid to admit that, yet I still need constant prayer that God will continue redirecting me on to the path he wants me to be on.

I’m beginning to see things in such a different light now. Trying so hard to appreciate and thank God for all the blessings he has given me.

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