Nobody told me it would be this tough.

Dear Silas,

Does it ever get easier? Does the tug-of-war really cease at some point in time? Will I ever find a moments rest to sit down and clear my thoughts and start fresh, in my calm and happy place? Do the toys ever grow legs and find their way home, or do my feet just “deal” and grow tougher? Will the ringing in my ears of pianos and whistles ever fade, and will I ever be able to decipher real crying from the crying in my head? Does the furniture get cheaper to buy over time when it has to be replaced from markers, chocolate or puke stains? Do the finger prints on the tv ever begin to blend in to the show we are watching ? Will money ever grow on trees and have you learned to wipe your own butt yet?

All of these things are thoughts that within the last week or so, I’ve had cross my mind. I’ve dropped to my knees in points of breaking down and crying while your brother turned his back to drag trash out of the can. My head has been pounding. My eyes have been drooping. My body lacks energy, daily hygiene and a well state of mind. I have felt very depressed this week. Carson grabs my hand first thing in the morning,

“Mommy, UP!”

Coming baby…

“Mommy, EAT!”

Ok…. What,cha want to eat? (Dragging my feet to find the floor. I’ve probably only slept a good solid 4 hours, maybe 2 of those uninterrupted)

“Apple juice.”

Apple Juice is not something you eat, buddy. What do you want to eat?

“Cake.”

No, no cake.

“Cookies!!!”

No, baby, no cookies.

We finally settle on an agreement. Oatmeal is usually the winner. From breakfast –> on, all hell breaks loose. “SMASH, BANG, DING-DING-DING” “Uh-oh. Mommy, ah-mere!” ‘Mommy, need you!’ *Silas crying* *Dogs barking*

It’s a long day. I desperately sit down for the tiny minute I have to free my mind and think of night time.. Bed time. I look at the time and I think to myself, “Will I make it just a few more hours?” I day dream when Carson has his temper tantrums, running to the other room and throwing himself on the floor. I day dream about a day all to myself. About showering.

Who am I? What has happened to me? I will tell you what has happened.

I love my children with everything I have. I hate when I can’t be with both of them and I feel guilt when I can’t make them feel equally as loved. I am so new to this whole ‘mothering two’ life and I am stressed to the max at how to deal with everything. Not only was my child just released from the NICU, but he has equipment and monitors that are attached to him! I can’t just pick him up and carry him away to the next room when Carson wants to sit down and build a castle of blocks. Because when Carson decides he wants to incorporate the giant roll of toilet paper from the bathroom, I can barely fit the equipment in there.

I am stressed because my son deals with this new change in a way that is hard for me to handle. He has been back and forth, living out of a diaper bag, from the hospital to grand parents houses, to staying with his aunt and cousins, and wondering why mommy and daddy just weren’t around as much. His transition back home, with all of us together, has been a change in personality that makes caring for two little boys very challenging. His need for attention and his disappointment in me when I have any other distractions is something that continues to tug at my heart.

There is constant chaos. From Carson lathering himself in whatever it is he is eating. From your cries over all sorts of different things. Here lately you will cry when you are not being held. It has been so hard for me to have to tell Carson to hold on so that I can check on you, because he runs away as if I’ve chosen you over him. It’s been hard to hold patience through the constant noise. Through having to clean every time I enter a room. To being in two places at once.

I feel STRETCHED.

Metaphorically, my life is a giant pin ball game that goes on and on and on.

But

It gets better.

After I sit, and I breathe,
It gets better.

These aren’t the days I should be worrying over.

I realized actually, as I began this blog, that the things I am so stressed over, are going to be the moments I look back on later on in life and search desperately over. For the memories, the photos, the images in my mind. These “rough ” times will eventually be beautiful memories long gone.

I don’t need to wish away the days when my hair is greasy and my shirt smells like poop. When I have to scrub the stickiness of gummies off my cheeks from Carson kisses or do laundry all day because of your excessive wardrobe changes. These days are precious. These days are few. These days flee as if they were only minutes of a day instead of years of my life. I should treasure this time that I have with you both, the germs, the slobber, all if it.

You’re not always going to need me. Not for kissing boo boos, or feeding you your favorite snack. You’re not going to need me rooting you on in the bathroom when it’s time to “go”. You aren’t going to need my help with your artwork, or with story time, or to cuddle with you at bed time. Whatever this chaos is right now, well… We will just have to work through it.

Because I need you both.

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