The year of Silas.

Dear Silas,

What a year 2013 was. I keep looking back and thinking about it all. I also look back at the years prior to it and at all the struggles I dealt with. In 2010, your father and I went through facing multiple robberies and theft. It was hard for me to handle then and it still stings to this day as I think back to it. Those days were days where I found my trust in others fading quickly. I began to think differently, act differently, judge and create anger out of nothing for no reason at all. I’ve gotten stronger since then.

We also went through difficulties in the years after with trying to find steady work. Dealing with big student loan payments. Having our car break down. Having to buy another car, and another one after that. Your father going back to school with a child and a full time work schedule. Dealing with more trust issues. Losing friends. Losing faith. We also were thrown a wild card with having to move in the midst of all sorts of craziness.

There have been many times where I have prayed to God to help me find strength through things, but I never prayed quite as hard as I did with my children. I have been negative, angry, weak and ashamed, but never once was I failed.

It’s hard to see the outcome. In fact, it’s impossible. I do believe that God opened the door to understanding that there is an outcome, through you. Not just any outcome, but a wonderful one. I have patience now with things I haven’t held patience with in a very long time. I have trust in things and people I never thought I’d ever be able to look towards again. I am able to walk away from the bad in my life now and open my arms to those beautiful moments whereas before I would have shoved those moments to the side and kept trudging through.

I cherish life so much more now.

You are a beautiful example of what is important. I thank God for my children and their presence in my life that makes me so much better of a person. I thank God for them and how much love they’ve filled me with.

I am surprised when I look back on everything from last year and how I handled things. I guess I could have been sad and angry everyday when I first knew you weren’t 100% in the clear of not having to have medical attention and surgery after birth. I guess instead of feeling so much love and happiness at the simple thought of YOU – your heart beating, your fingers moving, your existence – I could have listened to the nurse when she offered to give me information about abortion when we assumed you could have possible trisomy 13, 18, or 21. I could have been swayed to think badly of our situation or I could have felt like we had been handed the shit-end of the deal. But for some reason I didn’t. For some reason I knew we would be ok, no matter what. For some reason I felt changed, happy, nervous but happy. Through it all I felt content. I couldn’t wait to meet you. Friends were having healthy babies, it rained most of the summer, we were stuck moving within 2 months of your arrival with no where to go and no where to put our stuff but the majority of the time I felt so happy and so in love with someone I hadn’t met yet and knew nothing about. The uncertainty of you was the building of my faith in God and He has yet to fail me. In fact, through you, I am sure that He never will. I stand firm in my faith and am so confident in the plan God has in store for us. I look back on one of the hardest years of my life and am so happy that I’ve finally allowed the good to shine through instead of the bad eating me alive.

I love you and not a day goes by that I don’t sit and stare at you and your brother and think about how very lucky I must be. I only ask God to give me the strength and patience to be a Godly mother, wife and friend.

You aren’t feeling too well today. I love you and won’t leave your side until you are giving me your big, bright smiles again.

Goodnight little buddy.

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One thought on “The year of Silas.

  1. You have obviously come a very long way from bitter anger and hate, to love, compassion and the special motherhood you face from this precious angel God has bestowed upon the three of you. God go with you through all your trials and tribulations and continue to pray for the strength to continue on no matter what satan throws in front of you. God Bless you all. Love abundantly, Live with God’s miracles in sight, and most of all, raise the family in church.

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