I never really told you about before I knew you. Before I read the little test that told me you’d be the big change in my life this year. Before I thought about brothers, siblings, double strollers, carrying two screaming children under each arm out of a toy store because we couldn’t buy e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. Trust me, I have thought of it all. The moment I knew you would be coming, my life has been different. I don’t know quite how to explain the “different” I tell you of. In simple words, I would tell you that you’ve filled my life with beauty, love, courage, and compassion. In retrospect, I have had many mixed feelings while you were in my belly; uncertainty, sadness, surprise, and fear. Who you’ve made me; a believer in God’s love. The mother of two amazing boys. A testimony of faith.
I have not always had such faith. I have been tested many times, and many times I have fallen short. But with you, son, I have learned two things: God is ALWAYS on time. God is ALWAYS faithful.
Before you, I was very weak. I was very tired. I was very angry.
You wouldn’t have thought it, because I kept it to myself. I was very good at hiding it. I wasn’t always this way, but sometimes life takes paths where the trails are winding. You climb up hills trying to reach its peak, to find a bright sky to fixate upon, but you never see it because you are too worried about falling down the slope in to darkness. I was always worried. Anytime life seemed to be taking a turn, my pessimistic attitude towards anything and everything would ruin the beauty of the world. Instead of gazing out in to that big open sky at the top of my hills, I’d keep my eyes on the ground and slide right back down to the bottom.
I was angry with my job, for always having to be there when I wanted to be spending time with your brother and your dad. Angry at money, for never being as concerned with me as I was with it. Angry at people, for little things that didn’t matter. Not angry because it had anything to do with anybody else, but because of me. I was not talking with God. I was unintentionally walking away from Him.
I wasn’t ready for you. At least at the time, I felt completely overwhelmed by life and the thought of raising another child made me feel guilty. Even the mention of having more babies was a conversation I laughed upon and quickly changed the subject.
One day while I was off of work, your brother and I were playing in the living room. He ran off to the other room as he mischievously does and I began watching a video I saw posted on Facebook. The video was something off of YouTube, of two twin babies talking (jabbering) to each other. It was so sweet! I yelled for Carson to come watch it because I felt it would make him laugh. He ran in the room with his forever beaming smile and as I started the video I saw his facial expression go from excited, to confused, to sad. I could tell the look on his face and I knew what it meant. He saw the bond I saw with the babies. He saw the companionship. He saw the excitement they had from playing and talking together. I grabbed him and held him and I cried a little bit because I felt his aloneness. I felt bad that he had no one to play with. My immediate thought and probably very spontaneous response to his feelings was, “I have to have another baby.”
We went to the park that day, and I watched him watch siblings run around together. He tried to join in, but they were all doing their own little thing. He has such a bright and cheerful way about him that the thought of him feeling alone made me feel awful. We have so much fun together, but I still continued to have those feelings, “I HAVE to have a baby.”
I didn’t get serious with this outburst of emotion. Instead I didn’t tell a soul and I went back to feeling angry at work, upset when the bills came, and my heart still felt an empty void of little faith; but God was still carrying me.
In the midst of all this, I knew my heart wasn’t where it needed to be. For the first time in a while, I prayed.
I prayed and prayed and not in my car on my way somewhere like I normally would in this hectic and self indulged time of my life, but I sought out a quiet place, alone, with my thoughts and my tears and my deepest concerns. I prayed to God for help, for His guidance, and for an Angel.
I didn’t know it yet, but I was praying for you.
And here you are, with all your tubes and monitors and gunk draining out. You, the beautiful boy you are, and your brother, the handsome dirty little mess he is, are what God has placed in my life. Not only to test my faith, but to fill me with joy and hope and happiness. Through the storm we face, and the storms ahead, God has allowed me another chance and new eyes, to see the world He created. To see the work He does. To stand in awe of His work with a humble spirit.
Children are a strange little gift. God allows us to see His beauty and His work through some amazing things, but His children just may be the best kind of Godsend.